★★★★★
When her big sister Joan dies on the night of her 25th birthday, at the beginning of If I Only Could, Lizzie doesn’t know how to cope. The cause of her death is unknown, and Lizzie has so many unanswered questions. Little does she know that Joan has arrived in Purgatory, with no idea how she died. With the help of God, dressed in a baby pink jumpsuit, and looking suspiciously like Lizzie, Joan attempts to discover why she died, exploring memories along the way. What follows is an incredibly nuanced tale of love and forgiveness.
The intricacy of the bond between sisters is perfectly demonstrated in Lizzie and Joan’s relationship. There is no doubt they love each other – Joan’s unwavering determination to get back to Earth to be there for Lizzie is clear proof of this – but they bicker constantly. Joan finds Lizzie overbearing, and often feels she is not listened to. She resents that her parents consider her the golden child, and feels like she cannot live up to her standards. Lizzie, on the other hand, looks up to her older sister, always wants to spend time with her, and treats her to extravagant gifts such as homemade cakes on her birthday. She complains that Joan is unappreciative and accuses her of shutting her out. We never see them discuss this, and heartbreakingly, Joan dies a mere few hours after their last argument.
Joan struggles with her mental health, and only her sister truly knows the full extent of this. As a result, Joan believes she isn’t a good enough big sister, and has extreme guilt that she has left her behind. With some help from God, she learns that this is not the case at all. Her protective instincts are something that older siblings can relate to, and seeing Lizzie’s pure, unconditional love is a refreshing reminder of what’s really important.
The lack of backdrop serves the production well, and allows us to focus on the actors’ talents. My one tiny gripe is there are one or two moments where they sit on the floor, and from the second row, I couldn’t see the actors properly. In a play as interesting as this one, I didn’t want to miss even a single moment.
Words cannot do justice to how good If I Only Could is. A touching tale showing the beauties and complexities of sisterly love, I left the theatre with an intense urge to phone my little sister to tell her how much I love her.
If I Only Could will be performed at theSpace on the Mile – Space 2 until 24 August (not 18) as part of Edinburgh Fringe 2024.
Words by Ellen Leslie
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