Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so uncomfortable and nervous that you just had to leave? Or perhaps you had an unfortunate interaction with someone and the very thought of seeing them again made you feel nauseous? Now, imagine someone telling you to just “get over it”. Imagine them telling you to stop being “such a baby”, to “man up” and “get on with it”. Imagine them telling you how “pathetic” you are. That’s what it’s like living with social anxiety, only the uncomfortable situation is any situation that involves socialising and the unfortunate interaction is any interaction. It’s an endless cycle of fear, frustration and shame; it’s also a mental illness that, unfortunately, not enough people have sympathy for.
An important thing to realise about social anxiety is that it’s very different from just the general feeling of anxiety that everyone experiences – it’s a mental disorder, so it won’t just go away over a short period of time. Though sufferers of the illness can have separate experiences, the most prevalent feeling is that of a constant fear of being judged or humiliated, whether it’s from people you know or complete strangers. It causes you to think things that probably aren’t true and therefore stops you from participating in even the most mundane tasks such as eating in public or making a simple phone call; relationships are heavily affected, as is your performance at work and school. Panic attacks are also common along with various other mental health problems such as low self esteem, bipolar disorder and depression. It’s a constant fight in what seems like a losing battle.
Given that almost one in ten adults in the UK suffer from it, as well as it being the third most common psychiatric disorder in the world today, it’s somewhat baffling that social anxiety has such a toxic stigma attached to it. A common misconception is that people suffering from it are just introverted and shy and “hate people”, and while the former two traits can be true the latter is usually the complete opposite: we want to be sociable and talk to people but our minds just stop us. In the past I’ve been called “lazy” and “boring” when turning down offers of going out or not going for opportunities that could have been a valuable and fun experience, when in actuality I just don’t think I could have handled it.
Most of the time the unwelcome reaction is simply due to a lack of understanding. Unlike physical illnesses, social anxiety doesn’t tend to have the same strict set of causes in every case; sometimes there even is no cause. This can obviously make people uncomfortable – not knowing why someone they care about is unwell – especially if there’s a possibility the disorder may never go away. The fact that social anxiety is also known as ‘social phobia’ should be enough to shine a light on the whole thing, however: just because I’m not afraid of clowns doesn’t make someone else’s fear of them stupid or invalid. As irrational as you may think we’re being, it’s important to respect that we can’t control how we feel or how we react to certain things, just like some people can’t help but to freak out whenever they see a clown.
Then there’s the people who do understand but don’t want to know about it. Though I appreciate how difficult it can be coming to terms with someone you love having a mental disorder, shrugging it off and acting like we’re being silly and irrational is not the right way to deal with it at all. Newsflash: we know we’re being irrational, we don’t need you to remind us of this fact. What we do need is your support in helping us to cope with it. Seriously, if you ever see someone you know with anxiety looking uncomfortable or on the verge of a panic attack, take them aside and ask them how they are and what they need. Show them you care; sometimes that’s all that’s needed.
It’s sad how few people I mention my disorder to in fear that they don’t believe me or think me a freak. It hurts to think of all I’ve missed out on due to my mind playing tricks on me and it hurts even more to think that people believe it’s because I was being “lazy”. Just like a physical disability, social anxiety can hinder a person’s life greatly and it’s important to realise they’re suffering.
Now, say it with me one more time: social anxiety disorder is not a hatred of socialising. It’s not shyness, laziness, or rudeness; it’s a mental illness. Get over it.
Words by Samantha King