Last year I ended a five year relationship, much to the shock of my friends and family.
I immediately found myself feeling lighter, freer, happier and more confident.
At the time, I convinced myself that I had simply fallen out of love with this person and was experiencing what everyone feels after a breakup; new found freedoms and untethered possibilities.
It is 11 months on. Being in a new relationship, with the benefit of hindsight, has helped me see that part of the reason I felt so much anxiety and dread before the break up was that I was, in fact, in quite a controlling relationship.
Something that wholeheartedly felt like the right decision to me did not seem so obvious to my loved ones. This is because I never really opened up to them about what I was experiencing. Feeling controlled led to feelings of shame which meant I kept it to myself.
My relationship wasn’t all negative, but the control I encountered was subtle, insidious and always presented under the guise of love and care. This made it hard to separate what was good, and what was bad. I’d like to share my experience in the hope that it will help others spot similar behaviours and know that they’re not okay.
Guilt Tripping
When you’re in a relationship, it’s normal to want to spend lots of time with one another. However, it’s not healthy if you’re made to feel bad or guilty if you want to hang out with your friends.
I remember feeling tense and nervous when I was about to tell my ex that I had different plans on the weekend than to automatically hanging out with him. I would dread his sulks when I broke the terrible news that I had other plans than sitting around and getting stoned with him in front of the TV. This would apply to nights out with friends, weekends away and holidays. I remember telling him I had plans to go on holiday to France with my girlfriends, as well as a festival abroad, and he automatically went into a dismal mood. He claimed that I was planning my whole summer without him.
You shouldn’t feel guilty for maintaining and nurturing your other relationships. It’s not healthy to be made to feel bad for wanting to hang out with other people, and you certainly shouldn’t isolate yourself from your friends.
Being Told What To Wear
My ex would openly berate women in front of me if he saw them wearing clothes he deemed inappropriate. He saw no issue in saying a woman looked slutty just because she decided to show some skin and wear what made her feel good. These insults crept their way into how I saw myself. I didn’t want to be told I looked like a slut by my own boyfriend. Being young and naive and without the vocabulary to address this blatant misogyny, I never really knew how to confront him on it.
I remember buying an American Apparel mini skirt I had wanted for ages. When I showed it to him he said he couldn’t believe I wanted to dress like a slutty school girl. I could see the disgust in his face and it made me feel so ashamed. I also felt shame that I was with someone who thought it was okay to make someone feel bad for buying a skirt so I never told any of my friends.
No one should be telling their significant other what to wear, especially when it’s clearly motivated by possessiveness and control. Also, if your boyfriend thinks it’s okay to slut shame other women, don’t ignore the red flags like I did.
The Need For Constant Updates
When I did go out with my friends on nights out and I failed to let my ex know that I had got home safely, I would be bombarded with texts and made to feel guilty for days afterwards.
It was always under the guise that he was worried about where I was out of care for my well-being, but it certainly felt like much of a control thing and keeping tabs on when I was home.
Although it’s important to respect your partner’s concerns, it’s not okay to guilt trip someone for days on end for forgetting to send a ‘got home safely’ text.
Over The Top Jealousy
A little jealousy in most relationships is fairly normal, but if you’ve given you S/O no reason to doubt your loyalty then over the top jealousy isn’t okay. It can also be scary and possessive.
My ex absolutely hated the idea of me being out at a pub or club with the potential of other guys eyeing or chatting me up. Ironically, it was actually him that had cheated on me at the start of our relationship, so maybe he had made himself paranoid with his own bad behaviour. He would also be strange and insecure if I made friends with guys, which was hard, as I’ve always gotten on with men just as much as women.
You don’t need to justify your loyalty and the fact that you’re not going to cheat if you’re out without your partner. You don’t need to constantly reassure them that you weren’t flirting, or that your friend is just your friend. Don’t let controlling behaviour go under the radar, or accept it as simply being jealousy. No matter what the excuse, this is not okay.
You Have To Work Hard To Please Them
There have been occasions when I’d gone away for the weekend to visit friends and not rung my ex purely from the fact I’d been super busy, out, and having fun.
However, after experiencing his doom and gloom moods if I failed to do so, I felt myself ringing out of obligation. Even if I was doing something with my friends, I would excuse myself from the activity just to ring him. I did anything to avoid an inevitable argument.
If you’re doing things to avoid triggering them rather than because you want to, you’re most likely walking on eggshells. You shouldn’t have to accommodate their needs before your own out of fear. It’s important to make your S/O feel important and loved, but they should also be understanding if you’re busy and not able to contact them.
They Tell You What To Do ‘Because They Care’
My ex would take it incredibly personally if I had gone out drinking with friends and felt rough the next day. He wasn’t a big drinker and seemed to think it was selfish if I was ever hungover.
He acted as though it was because he was concerned for my health, but looking back I just don’t think he was comfortable with me having a fun drunk time with my friends. This was another thing to worry about upsetting him over. I felt the need to downplay how much I’d drunk or how rubbish I was feeling the next day.
A happy relationship is one where you don’t have to hold back parts of yourself to please them, or hide things in order to avoid conflict.
Moving On
Controlling behaviour doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship. You might find that you’re able to address your issues with your partner and sort things out. But, it can also be extremely toxic and it’s not something anyone should have to put up with.
Most importantly, don’t isolate yourself and ignore the issues. It wasn’t until after my breakup that I realised what I’d been putting up with. If you feel you’re being controlled, reach out to loved ones, you don’t have to suffer alone.
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Words by Elizabeth West
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