Suffering a decade out of power and in dire straits, the Labour party has recently adopted an innovative new electoral strategy. It is a party characterised by division; the boundaries between factions are marked by scars. What it has elected to do, then, is plug its fingers very firmly and deeply into those scars, tearing at them till it can prise the factions apart by the sinews. Then, wounds ruthlessly exposed, it can earnestly engage with its true calling – mindless internal squabbling – until either the public votes them in out of sympathy, or the Tories voluntarily step down just to relieve the tension. Or one of the factions actually wins. But what are the chances of that happening?
In the blue corner…
(The Moderates: inc. Keir Starmer, Jess Philips, Wes Streeting; Tony Blair and New Labour generally)
One compelling reason to want a Moderate victory is that they’re actually quite popular. That’s not an impression you’d get from Twitter, but this is no matter – these guys have got the cred where it actually counts, and that’s at the ballot box. That’s right, people. We’re talking about the ‘E’-word. They went and won themselves three consecutive elections whilst those asinine Marxists in the Radical camp were too busy ensuring their next protest’s Molotov cocktails would all be made using gin fashioned from sustainably sourced juniper berries.
The bottom line, my friends, is electability. Ambition might be free, but it’s also entirely worthless if it can’t get you into power in the first place. And finding better ways to communicate complex but valuable ideas is a huge waste of time and energy, so it’s far better to take a watered-down version of what’s already popular and go all guns blazing with that. That’s what Tony Blair did, and where did it get him? That’s right – Iraq. Oh, and elected three times over. And that’s proof that he’s more popular than Jeremy Corbyn. Just don’t go and compare Labour’s popular vote from 2001 or 2005 with that from 2017, obviously. That would be cheating, in the sense that it would prove that Tony Blair was not actually more popular than Jeremy Corbyn. Oh, and also ignore the fact that Ed Miliband used this same tactic in 2015 and was ripped to shreds by the Conservative party. He was photographed inelegantly eating a sandwich, so it’s basically a moot point.
And what wonders are achieved when a Moderate Labour party actually does reach power! You bloody Radicals think it’s all about knocking over statues and nationalising the broadband. Do you really think the best use of Her Majesty’s Treasury is to foot the bill for your masturbation obsession? Get a grip (no, not like that).
If you’ve ever heard of the national minimum wage, you can thank New Labour. If you’ve never heard of Section 28, you can thank New Labour. When you think of Ireland now, what do you picture? Probably Graham Norton making catty remarks at Eurovision. Whatever it is, it’s not car bombs, is it? The Good Friday agreement was New Labour, and yes, you’re welcome. See? Tony Blair was actually a nice guy, you know. He gave us social justice and economic efficiency. And some illegal wars, but just ignore the illegal wars.
With inspiring, modern leadership, a Moderate Labour government can accomplish greatness. “Parties that do not change, die”, Blair put bluntly in 1994. “If the world changes and we don’t, then we become of no use to the world”.
No, New Labour haven’t won anything since 2005. Why do you ask?
In the red corner…
(The Radicals: inc. Diane Abbott, Zara Sultana, Clive Lewis, John McDonnell; Jeremy Corbyn and Momentum)
There’s a very simple reason why the Radical faction should dominate the party; because whatever those fascist-enabling Moderate scum think, the fact is that Jeremy Corbyn won the argument. Alright? Fine, he didn’t win any elections, but in a sense, this makes his argument-winning more impressive because it means he did it without selling out. And you can tell that he won the argument because the Tories don’t use the word ‘austerity’ anymore. I mean, yes, there’s going to be a public sector pay freeze. Fine, so the Tories wouldn’t even feed starving schoolkids if a national treasure hadn’t bullied them into it first. But did you hear the word ‘austerity’ mentioned in amongst any of that? No! Because Jeremy Corbyn won the argument emphatically, proven by the 2017 election, which he also won – yes, won – or at least, didn’t lose – or at least, only lost in the sense that he didn’t become Prime Minister – which, given the aforementioned argument-winning, isn’t much of a big deal if you think about it.
Another reason the Radicals could kick the shit out of the Moderates is because they’re all going to be dead soon anyway. There’s basically no one these days who supports New Labour who wasn’t also around to vote for them. You’d have be, like, 30, or something ridiculous – which means you’re definitely in your autumn years, considering the shambolic state of today’s NHS. Bloody Tories and their privatisation – except, hang on, it wasn’t the Tories, was it? If memory serves, NHS privatisation started under a certain Anthony Lynton Blair, which is just typical. Blair couldn’t be arsed to seize the means of production and now I’m going to die in a ditch at 40.
The point is, though, that it’s the youth vote lately that’s saved Labour from electoral oblivion. Without us, you’d just be Poundland Liberal Democrats, minus their one redeeming quality of opposing Iraq. Terminal fence-sitters except when it came to the structural integrity of Iraqi hospitals. And we voted Labour because Corbyn offered socialist policies and genuine change. Who could forget his bold promise to “support common ownership of rail, mail, energy and water”? Or the fearlessly radical demand, “abolish the House of Lords”? Or – oh, hang on – sorry – seems I was mistakenly reading from Keir Starmer’s pledges for the leadership election there. Damn. Has anyone seen my copy of the 2019 manifesto? I think I might have already put it in my papier-mâché bust of Jeremy Corbyn’s head.
So, yes; Corbyn should be immediately re-instated as party leader. It’s blatantly obvious that Keir Starmer is actually just Murdoch in a wig. With Jez back in control, our problems are literally completely solved. We’ll ace the 2024 general election because of how popular he is. I mean, he was unpopular before, but only because the press smeared him. And they wouldn’t do that a third time, would they? No. That would be impossible.